Bubble Time

I've been going through a lot of motions lately. Expecting people to say certain things...being aggravated when they don't. Expecting people to come through for me...being annoyed when they don't. Expecting friends to at least...the very least...understand where the fuck I am coming from before judgement is passed...and feeling DONE when they don't.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and what I find is...I don't ask for much. I know who I am, how I am, and what I expect from people. I can't talk anymore because I am tired. The tide is changing. I'm thinking this is a sign that my focus needs to be put on my goals. I need to breathe them that much more. I'm trying to NOT think about how I'd like a companion...a boyfriend of sorts. Funny thing is...I don't even know if I am even ready for one. Probably not. I just want someone to just BE there that LISTENS and just holds me when I cry...being ok if I soak their shirt with my tears. I'd love it if this guy was tall, dark, and handsome. Hey, I can still use my imagination dammit. Just having someone there rain or shine that's PRO Katie. I have yet to come across someone that gives of themselves what I give of me.

I'm tired.

To STFU or not STFU

So in this past week I was told that I am a "difficult" friend and I really don't see how someone could not take offense to that. I was told that I am "emotionally unstable, an extremist, one-sided, and a cool chick but kinda nuts." This was only the tip of the iceberg. I wont elaborate any further on that but I'm extreeeeeeemly bothered right now in this moment. When I was like ok you know what? I'm going to fall back, like for real, I was told, naa then you wouldn't be you.

*blank stare*

So now I'm left to think well then why the fuck even say that to me then? I was also told that I probably have friends that lie to me because they know that if they tell me the truth or something that I don't want to hear then I would wild out.

*deep breath*

I did some quiet reflecting last night and did to decide and go ahead and just quiet it down. I will just save my "emotional unstability" for my craft. I'm laughing as I type this because there is not a damned thing wrong with me.

"I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shit." ~ Erykah Badu

I can tell you what I do know about myself: I know that I have always kept it real with people. I am consistent. I don't change for anyone. I have moods like anyone else, but dammit, I am consistent.

A Few Changes

In the past weeks I have started the blog of K.Mack Brand and my thought was to kind of merge this one into that but I feel like I've been more personal here so I will keep certain thoughts here. Someone said to me recently that all my thoughts go into blogs and I laughed and said "if only you knew..." I'm so used to being in front of a laptop that by default some of my thoughts are relayed into the keyboard but most aren't.

To catch you all up I've decided to move to the West Coast this time next year to work my craft. In reality, it's the only thing I want to do. I feel fearless about the move and know I will do will (with very important and strategic planning of course), but there is a tiny part of me that is scared of the change. You guys already know how I worry about certain things. But I know I just have to DO it.

My nephew turned five months old on the 7th of this month. *sigh* He's definitely still hanging in there. I pray for him so much. Today he was supposed to have a trach tube put into his throat and my mom said they didn't do it today, she's not sure why, but I will find out when I get home. My first question when she first told me this was: is this supposed to be permanent? She said no.

*sigh*

He's a strong little thing so I have faith he will be okay at the end of this storm.

I start acting classes again this evening so I have been anxious to start for a while now. I need that. I crave to be on stage. I have a bunch of other classes lined up to take outside of this program in the next couple of months so I am on the ball. New headshots will be taken next month and I will FINALLY be able to get my MacBook Pro. Thanks to my little monster niece, Elle, thinking my laptop was a trampoline, the screen is cracked and I am just SO over that dinosaur.

I looked at it as YES! I finally have a NEED to get my Mac as opposed to just wanting one. However, I am NOT liking the price tag.

*blinkblink*

Though I love my new blog to death and you will get to see a different and somewhat more vibrant side of me, sitting here typing this out makes me realize that I miss just being able to free write into this blog. And not really have to analyze what I'm typing. I have dozens of blogs to catch up on over here and I am going to try and find some time to do it soon.

Anyhoo - I have to jet... what have you guys been up to?!

Moments...

I hadn't realized that it's been over a month since I've posted. Hello to my new followers & readers. You guys must be as nutso as I am to want to hear about my life =)

I was skimming through some of my posts and felt like I don't have enough "happy" posts. The truth is this...I'm just not that kind of person. I'm not overly excited all the time and I'm super mellow. I'm a very complex individual and it usually takes me a lot to post - despite my love of writing. I'm always trying to edit what I will post in my head for fear that I may be too much for people. *kmackshrug* I can't really concern myself with that so I will just let the words come how they need to.

Lately I have been overwhelmed with my life. I mean, I have my moments where I am actually in what seems to be like a good place but as of lately...not so much. Remember my 6 month old nephew that was born premature? Well come to find out my brother was sitting on the fact that the right side of his brain isn't functioning correctly and I highly doubt that he will be coming home. The day my mom told me this was the same day that she woke up and said "Something isn't right with that baby and I couldn't sleep all night because of it." She'd told my brother that she'd wanted to go see the baby and why, and he ended up telling her the news. He's known for awhile but whether he was scared or defensive or whatever reason he felt...he didn't want to tell us.

My mom called and told me this at work last week and I cried for the rest of the day and my eyes burn just by typing this.

My nephew's mother is a former crackhead and seemingly current one but yet my brother is in extreme denial about this so the only thing I can do is pray for him and my nephew in the hopes that they both will be well. I haven't seen my nephew since the last time I went to see him and that was when he was around a month old or so. It completely wrecked me and changed me seeing that little boy so small and uncomfortable with all of those tubes hooked up to him. I broke down and cried the entire time I was there with him. So tiny and so helpless. All I could think was 'Damn, he didn't ask to be here...like this.'
I may go see him this Sunday. I will.

This morning I sat on the train in prayer. Letting tears just run down my face as I hid behind my Wayfarers. I had to thank Him for the blessings that I do have and thank Him for carrying me on the days that I just cannot. Today is feeling like one of those days. I needed Him to know that even though I am heavily conflicted about the path that my life is on, that I do have faith that I am on the right one. It's hard to keep faith sometimes. It really is. I feel like I just keep getting hit from all sides. They're all body blows that are starting to break me down but still I try to remain focused.

I've decided to stop going to this six week acting course I am taking and head to William Esper for their program. I do not like the way my current instructor teaches at all. His style is so unbecoming and distracting, and it really pisses me off. I knew in walking out of that class Wednesday night that I would not be returning and that instead of inspiring me in my work he had me dying to leave. I will lose some money but my tolerance and state of mind is more important to me. I love my craft and he makes me never want to be in a room with him discussing my craft ever again.

I have a voiceover audition today and I hope that it works out because voiceover work is something that I've wanted to get into for years now but have never just went ahead and did it. For me acting is not about wanting to be this superstar and live the high life. Acting to me is in my soul. I NEED to do it. It's the only outlet I have to get out of my head and just...BE. I get to be myself with no holds barred and even though people think "Oh acting is so easy...," it is the farthest thing from it. It takes extreme discipline, dedication , and determination. Yea I may be able to get some work now but my goal is to be working when I am 40 and older. It takes years of crafting this art. I'd rather know what the hell I am doing that just up and move to LA like loads of people do in the HOPES of becoming an actor. When I go to LA it's not going to be any "I hope I make it." It's going to be I AM MAKING IT.

When I'm around other people I find that there's a seriousness/maturity about me that not a lot of people possess. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I know that my makeup will ultimately be my success. Not makeup as in M.A.C *which reminds me, I have to re-new my membership*, but makeup as in the way I am composed - or made up.

In the past couple of weeks I have been disappointed by friends and family and sometimes even by my own self. I am working on the self part, but as the days go by I can't help but to feel like the only person I can put my trust and faith in is that man upstairs. I feel like in the real world I'm starting to shy away from more and more people in fear of not knowing what their true intentions or motives are and it sucks but in my acting I have to let ALL of that go and be completely in tune with someone else. I love that.

I have a lot of shit on my mind but I can't seem to sort it out fast enough to get it in this post. So surprisingly, I may post again this weekend.

What I DO know is that the more and more I sit at this desk working for someone other than myself...the more and more I am despising this life. I have been mentally conflicted about this for weeks now. I've given myself 6 months to be in a position where I no longer have to work for someone else. This means major moves have to be made as of yesterday. I've been working on it to the point of exhaustion. I've been praying on this incessantly because this is not me and I know there is another way. I find that every single time I hear my name being called to do some mundane task my chest tightens and hair on the back of my neck stands up. Granted...I am thankful to be working, but even the Lord knows that my time and patience here is very limited. It's time to take a walk because I'm on fire right now.

In the words of my homegirl, Tiffany Black, I'm an actor...they don't get it.

The Process of Breaking Out of the Box

Being an artist is difficult in so many ways. Half the time I swear out of all the people I am around, NO one truly understands me and how I am...and how I think. I'm finally at a place where I don't NEED anyone to understand me or anything about the way that I AM. I know everything about me..the flaws...my hangups...what I'm scared of...what makes me happy...what WILL make me happy. I know it. As long as I know it, no one else doesn't necessarily have to.

I'm sitting here looking out at the city from 36 floors up off of street level lost in thought. I find that again...I don't want to confide in anyone but the keyboard. I worry alot. I worry about my mom and her lack of sight and always wonder if she's ok when I am not home. I worry about my brother and the way he thinks and processes things. He's a father of two kids and his situation is very unstable. I worry about my niece, my baby girl who is only 3 and try to make myself the most stable person in her life. I worry about my 6 month old nephew who was born premature and is still in the hospital. I worry if God hears me when I talk to him...if he hears me asking for strength when I'm on my knees...if he even pays me any attention because I pray so much. I worry that someone will walk into my office and see my sitting here typing with tears falling down my cheeks and think that I am some psychopath. I worry that maybe - just maybe I won't fulfill my promise to my Dad of "making it." I worry that I may not be able to get my mom out of the hood. I worry about my own health. I worry that one of these days that I will be so busy trying to motivate others to be extraordinary that I will lose myself in the process of being extraordinary. I worry that maybe no one will ever see all the passion I have in me to do what I love. I worry that my love for anyone else in a romantic sense...is lost.

I'm always trying to help people and I tell myself this all the time...Katie, you need to help yourself first. I think it's just IN me to want to push people but I'm feeling like that needs to come to an end. I once wrote in a personal monologue..."I know what it feels like to be in a room full of people and still feel alone" it's the truth and it's very befitting now. I feel like the only person who is really gonna be there for me is me. Lately I've been working on my focus. It's difficult to streamline your focus when you have sooo much on your mind...so many things...chaos.

I hope this greatness that has my chest on fire doesn't go to waste...and so I keep striving to breaking out of this box that I feel is holding me captive as I try not to bash my head in the wall from frustration. Everyone is too busy these days for me. Busy can be good but if if I need to talk and can't get more than a one word answer response that's a problem for me. Call it what you want - selfish, brat mode - wtf ever. I used to think that friendships are relationships that you have to nuture. Then along came the internet and every other technologically advanced way of communicating and you have no more phone calls and no more handwritten notes. You have every kind of messenger and 140 characters.

*insert long and drawn out sigh here*

I wish I could take it back to the way it used to be. But since I can't, I will make my way up out of this box.

Walk By Faith, Not By Sight

Lately I have been giving thought to leaving my 9 to 5 to live out my passions. The thought of going somewhere to make someone else money hurls me. Back in the day, I'd straight walk out of a job if I wasn't feeling it. My tolerance for bullshit is lower than ever and this is bullshit. I mean it's cool and of course it pays the bills but is this what life is just supposed to be? Having "stability" to pay some damned bills? I wonder what life would be like if there were no such things as "money" and you got to get everything you needed strictly off of your attitude towards life. I sit back and I really think about what would make me happy and the majority of the time I am UNhappy due to monetary woes. Always stressing about this or that. That's really the only major issue I EVER have. I know that when I start coming into long money that I'm still going to live life with a "poor man's" mentality. I know I'm going to be scared to death to never be broke again so I'll hold on to and probably just invest it.

All this leads me to wonder about really leaving my job. I don't have any major responsibilities. I don't have any rent, or any kids, or any car notes or anything like that - but I do need to find an apartment before the year is over. I do want that MacBook Pro. *sigh* I figure maybe the best thing for me to do is wait til the end of the year and just keep stacking. My problem is that I've been trying to do things the right way. And in doing so, I keep coming across people that felt as passionate as I do about my stuff and actually decided to leave their day jobs to pursue their dreams. I keep thinking about the details though. Did you have any money saved up? Did you not and just decided to wing it? What about your bills?

*insert scream here*

I know it's probably bad but my world revolves around money. It sucks because that's all I know.

***I started this post on 6/29 and a few days later I am still feeling the same way - no I am feeling ever more passionate about it. I proabably should NOT have hung out with my dude Mr. Black of The BLACKCollection because messing around with him, he's have me walk into the office in a few hours talkin' about, "well ya know....this isn't really working out for me..."

*blank stare*

LMAO

What I DIDN'T know about him is that he quit his job in DC to come BACK to NY to follow his passion. I swear, if I hear one more story about someone quitting their jobs to do what they love....

I DO believe people come into your life for a reason. Situations and even thoughts cross your path and mind for a reason. I DO feel like you can manifest your thoughts into reality...so with that being said... I wonder...

...what exactly am I waiting for?

On the Verge

I sometimes wonder if you guys (my readers) think I am a nut job. I honestly couldn't tell you because I just do and say what I feel. I wonder, why the hell would someone be interested in reading my thoughts because I can barely DEAL with them. But let me start by saying my photo shoot went phenomenally well and if you guys want to see some behind the scenes looks you can catch them here. I can't wait for the next one and am extremely excited about a model that I may be working with.

I think now is the time to rant:

1. I feel like in any industry it's imperative to FOLLOW up. if I reach out to you to follow up and you never respond, I don't care WHO you are, your credibility is shot with me.

2. Models need to be mindful of etiquette. Being late, talking too much, not offering any kind of thanks for working with people. Trust - I won't book you again.

3. I wish everyone would stop trying to be someone and just be themselves.

4. I feel like I don't spend enough time with my bff and honestly feel like I am losing her.

5. Speaking of friends, I always speak my mind. I feel like there are certain boundaries in EVERY friendship that shouldn't be crossed. For business or personal. Maybe I'm the loser for thinking this, highly unlikely though. I feel like I'm starting to question people around me and I don't like that feeling. well...actually it's cool, because I feel like the older I get, the more introverted I am becoming anyway. I am seeing the riders fall off my rollercoaster and only time will tell who will be amongst whose left to celebrate with me.

6. I've been so frustrated to tears lately and it's killing me. I'm tired to talking to ANYone really because they either don't respond or don't say what I want them to say anyway. So i've been trying to sort stuff out on my own.

7. Me trying to be morally correct is not working in my favor. What am I doing wrong?

I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin.

Life is hard.